last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
