My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
