The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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