I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
