Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
