hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
