i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
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I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day