The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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