I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
