now i know why i became what i already was.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
