I need to stop coming to work sober
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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