I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
