If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
