i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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