There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
