Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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