Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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