Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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