Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
