pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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