Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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