$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
