So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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