____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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