She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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