I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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