TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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