Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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