I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
