my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I love having hate sex.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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