Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I stole a fireplace last night.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
