Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I want to be your penis for a week.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
