the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
