so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i think i have herpe
just one?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
