I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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