My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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