Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
