And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
