I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
