Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
