I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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