I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
