you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
