I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
