i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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