umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
