dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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