dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
