The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
