Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
