apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
