she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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