I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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