you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
