He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
